Mirrors

Hey Dolls and Dudes! I hope you all really enjoyed your Thanksgiving Day! We all have so much to be thankful for so I hope you shared all of them with  your family and friends!

Holiday time in my house is hard. We lost my brother weeks before Christmas 3 years ago and my grandmother days after Christmas a year before. So needless to say its kind of hard to keep your spirits up this time of year. Yesterday however I was in a very cheerful mood, I wanted to make it a point to make sure my mom had a good day. So I made sure to keep my smile on, and the conversation light. But last night at work after I ate entirely to much:), I turned to my standby, SUGAR!! Oh yes and it was bountiful! Apple pie, sweet potato pie, blueberry cobbler! Then I had the nerve to be washing it down with soda honey!! I did it big!! I have a mirror on my desk, and at one point while i was thinking and stuffing my face, I looked in the mirror and  didn't see the reflection I wanted too. It was the person who I'm trying my damnest to leave behind. I put the fork in the bowl and threw the little bit on pie that was left away. My first thought was disgust because I felt that I had failed. I had been working hard for weeks, and it was paying off and here I go sabotaging it eating this mess. Then I looked down at my left forearm at the scars I had created earlier last week when I also had a moment of doubt and disgust with myself. The rest of my night was rather quite. I tried not to think about to much other than how the hell I was going to get all this food out of me.

Today my family had to go to another funeral for a close family member. I opted to stay home in bed since I didn't get off until 3am. As soon as they left I raided the kitchen for sweets. And boy did i find it! I ate and with every bite there was regret, but I didn't put the fork down. I devoured 3 good pieces of cake in like 20 minutes, then went and layed back down. I messaged Kristi a friend on facebook and asked her how to turn off my sweet tooth. She told me to choose fruit that are high in fiber like apples, and even try to chew some gum to ease the craving. I in boxed her to thank her and to share some other info with her and she turned out to be the mirror that I was trying to avoid all day. Kristi was not going to allow me to use my depression as an excuse to eat sugar! Sorry Doll! She instead told me to lace up the shoes get walking or press play! And as far as the food I ate yesterday, that was yesterday, it cant be changed. She says what I know to be be a fact CHANGE YOUR FOCUS and IT CHANGES THE OUTCOME!

So finally I got up and went to shower to make me feel better, I still didn't LOVE the reflection in the mirror (bags under my eyes and dull skin) but I said it's okay, it will all get better. I pulled my hair down and put on a pair of shorts I could barley fit in weeks ago now I have so mush room it's time for a smaller size. I can't change what I've already done, I can just keep going.

So I must hold myself accountable for my actions and for my moods! Yes those were some good ass pies, lawd were they not good!, but in the end the lonely was still here and me missing my loved ones hadn't changed. But I had come to far to regress back to what I was.  So  I told myself early night doll, you have earned yourself a double workout tomorrow. 1 at 6 am and another 30 minute walk on the treadmill after work! (Yeay..not) ;0)